I considered it a wake-up call when I came across the New York Times article by Oliver Burkeman, “Stop Multitasking. No, Really-Just Stop It.” Somewhere during my years of raising my three children, I came to believe that my days would be richer and more streamlined if I could conquer numerous tasks at once, all the while wondering why I felt scattered and depleted. Burkeman describes it as being “afflicted by the ambient anxiety that seems to be an intrinsic part of life in the 2020s.” He prescribes a novel antidote for restoring one’s sanity: be present and focus on one activity at a time.
The holiday season has quickly descended upon us and for many, it can be a time of tremendous anxiety over people pleasing, getting the perfect gifts, and trying to make everyone’s family happy with your choices of how you spend your few precious days off work. For others, it may mean navigating an extended break from school with your family and introducing that special someone to the family for the first time. No matter how chaotic, stressful, or conflicting your holiday time may be, here are a few simple things to think about and reflect upon before excessive turkey and shopping consume every ounce of free brain capacity.
Ted Lasso believes it. Walt Whitman said it. But do you do it?
If you were to ask me What’s the one piece of advice you have for a successful relationship?, my answer would be this: Be curious, not judgmental. Easier said than done, right? This is an issue that plagues many of the relationships that I help on a day in and day out basis. So why does this simple issue plague so many relationships?
Lips tightening. Arms crossed. Tone harshening. Heart rate increasing. Palms sweating. Breath shortening.
These are a few things I see in my office daily, not part of an Eminem song. Well, mostly. They may also be things you experience in your marriage, whether it be something you do or something you are the recipient of. Becoming dysregulated in a conversation or conflict can be a common pattern, particularly in relationships that feel strained or tense often. Dysregulation can be described as entering into a state of hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypoarousal (freeze). These states are something every person is capable of doing, and we hope so because they are adaptive for our survival and ability to navigate certain challenges in life.
Many families today face a growing, quiet threat outlined in Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play – a long list of responsibilities that overwhelm and stress the typical family. Partners must handle the obvious tasks such as paying bills, cooking, home maintenance, doctor’s appointments and cleaning, as well as the less noticeable items requiring energy like social planning for the family, choosing, signing up and attending kids activities, arranging rides or play dates, and building the annual Valentine’s box. This constitutes what some call “invisible labor” in the home, labor that is required or expected, but not compensated. If this labor is not acknowledged or shared, a sense of imbalance can develop that often spills over into greater forms of conflict. The issue is pervasive and usually starts to enter a relationship upon the introduction of a first child.
Ted Lasso believes it. Walt Whitman said it. But do you do it?
If you were to ask me What’s the one piece of advice you have for a successful relationship?, my answer would be this: Be curious, not judgmental. Easier said than done, right? This is an issue that plagues many of the relationships that I help on a day in and day out basis. So why does this simple issue plague so many relationships?
Many families today face a growing, quiet threat outlined in Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play – a long list of responsibilities that overwhelm and stress the typical family. Partners must handle the obvious tasks such as paying bills, cooking, home maintenance, doctor’s appointments and cleaning, as well as the less noticeable items requiring energy like social planning for the family, choosing, signing up and attending kids activities, arranging rides or play dates, and building the annual Valentine’s box. This constitutes what some call “invisible labor” in the home, labor that is required or expected, but not compensated. If this labor is not acknowledged or shared, a sense of imbalance can develop that often spills over into greater forms of conflict. The issue is pervasive and usually starts to enter a relationship upon the introduction of a first child.
The date is set. Plans are being made. Excitement is filling the air, except it is not your enthusiasm, but the wide-eyed, hand holding, “lovey dovey” couple sitting before you in your office. They cannot wait to get married, and you, perhaps, maybe cannot wait to get them married. Whatever role you have, and in many cases, I suppose a pastoral one, you are attempting to garner the attention of these two lovebirds over the pushy mothers and mother-in-laws, the wedding planner, and a number of other things pulling on these two. Perhaps you hope to give them one or two magical “nuggets” that will set them on a course for success, but you feel that your efforts may even fall short, as it can be difficult to articulate what has worked for you if you are married yourself and have experienced some marital success, but that may not even be true. So my question is- are you desiring to be better able to effectively deliver premarital counseling to the number of couples you engage with annually who are seeking to make the walk down the aisle to marital bliss?
The date is set. Plans are being made. Excitement is filling the air, except it is not your enthusiasm, but the wide-eyed, hand holding, “lovey dovey” couple sitting before you in your office. They cannot wait to get married, and you, perhaps, maybe cannot wait to get them married. Whatever role you have, and in many cases, I suppose a pastoral one, you are attempting to garner the attention of these two lovebirds over the pushy mothers and mother-in-laws, the wedding planner, and a number of other things pulling on these two. Perhaps you hope to give them one or two magical “nuggets” that will set them on a course for success, but you feel that your efforts may even fall short, as it can be difficult to articulate what has worked for you if you are married yourself and have experienced some marital success, but that may not even be true. So my question is- are you desiring to be better able to effectively deliver premarital counseling to the number of couples you engage with annually who are seeking to make the walk down the aisle to marital bliss?
You may not be familiar with the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre as a historical event involving deception, spying, guessing, and brutal murder, but you may feel very similar in regards to Valentine’s Day in your own significant relationship. Like Al Capone’s henchmen in the infamous Chicago Massacre of 1929 spying on his rival gang members, you hide out, closely watching your partner trying to discern what their expectations for Valentine’s Day may be.
Marital conflict happens in every relationship, but conflict alone is not necessarily a sign of trouble. So how can you know if your marriage really is in trouble and not just experiencing common marital conflict? Well, Dr. John Gottman has studied couples and their communication patterns extensively, to the point of being able to predict with 90% accuracy who would stay together and who would get divorced. His findings produced what he labeled the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with the Apocalypse being the end of your relationship
