Many families today face a growing, quiet threat outlined in Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play – a long list of responsibilities that overwhelm and stress the typical family. Partners must handle the obvious tasks such as paying bills, cooking, home maintenance, doctor’s appointments and cleaning, as well as the less noticeable items requiring energy like social planning for the family, choosing, signing up and attending kids activities, arranging rides or play dates, and building the annual Valentine’s box. This constitutes what some call “invisible labor” in the home, labor that is required or expected, but not compensated. If this labor is not acknowledged or shared, a sense of imbalance can develop that often spills over into greater forms of conflict. The issue is pervasive and usually starts to enter a relationship upon the introduction of a first child.
When expecting a new arrival, parents tend to focus more on baby preparation than relationship preparation. We get a crib, strollers, and other amenities that seemingly all begin with the letter “B” or end in “I”. We give a lot of time, money, and attention to rightfully prepare for the life of the baby (I say we because I have been through this 3 times myself as a dad). We sweat and angst over which methodology to adopt for sleep and feeding, yet devote little time to figuring out how the relationship will take on the new labor of love. There are assumptions that life will generally go on with less sleep, but there is so. much. more. That list of responsibilities slowly builds from day one, but five years (and potentially a few more kids, a move, a job change) in, that list is a raging fury of seemingly unending tasks. At this point the mounting stress can create a great deal of conflict, resentment, and sense of hopelessness about the direction of the relationship and family.
So, odds are that you find yourself here. Now what do you do about it? Most couples would benefit from doing a few of simple things:
1. Be intentional. The list will always grow and be long, but it will get out of control if you are not intentional. By that I mean what is the purpose and goal of the list? There are always many things to do, but why are you doing each one? Yes, there are kid activities, but what is your family’s purpose in pursuing any of them? Trying to be the next pro athlete? Fear of child missing out? Fear of you missing out? Those are not the best reasons, but no doubt, you need to know your what and why before you know your how. Figure out the things that matter and then figure out how to get them accomplished.
2. Make the list. Sit down with your spouse. Each make a list of items that you each feel responsible for, meaning you bear the burden of seeing that it is done whether you do it every time or not. Try to assign a “load” to that in some idea of number of hours per week, emotional or physical effort required, etc. This will help create a balance as you divide up responsibilities. To do so effectively, suspend judgment about how well or frequently you think they do the items. Just listen and work to get efficient, not be correct. You can also try out this tool by Rodsky to help, or come let us help you sort this out at Scout.
3. Be a team. Realize that just because things are out of balance does not mean that someone is intentionally not doing enough. Truth is you are both likely doing a lot and there may be more to do than the two of you are capable of. It is easy to think you are overwhelmed that your partner is not doing anything, but that may not be the case. You both may just be busy.
If you make a good attempt and it still feel the pressure, that is okay. If you are not sure your spouse will listen or participate, have them consider reading this and even check out more about Scout. We are here to help families function better and are equipped to do so. We would love to help you, so contact us today!