The walls have come down. Tears are being shed. Hearts are broken and sadness abounds. Many are in shock over the release of the Ashley Madison data. Those who are the list are feeling shock and awe over being exposed; part of their lives thought to be secret is no longer secret and forcing them to own the guilt and shame so often hidden by delving deeper into a secretive world of online affairs and pornography. The “I can’t believe I am…” has become real.
For the spouses, they are reeling with shock and awe over being exposed, feeling the shame and public pity of “not having known better”. They are feeling betrayed and hurt, living a lie with a spouse they believed was faithful to them.
And then there are those connected to these people- friends, co-workers, or other family members who feel the edge of pain, wanting to know who to believe, how to support, and where to help but feel lost.
My goal here is to simply give some thoughts to each party affected by the Ashley Madison data breach or just those dealing with marital unfaithfulness, hoping to provide healing to all. There are many similar blogs of sorts out there, and I am a little late to the game, but I hope to provide a holistic response to bring systemic change and “get ya on the same page” since unity is clearly missing at this point. My points will be directed to all, yet specified for each group.
So, here we to go.
1. Look into your heart.
To those on the list…
You must to decide for you how you are going to respond. Your spouse may have left and your may be getting pressure from all sides (pastors, lawyers, friends, etc.) about whether to deny and lie or fess up. I realize my posting is a form of the same thing. I also hope my professional acumen buys me some credibility to say the most important thing here is your heart. If your heart does not desire to own your sin or mistake and you are seeking to repair your marriage, then relationship repair attempts probably will not work. You must feel your own sense of conviction and desire to change from your ways, not sorrow over being caught. If you are willing to own your mistake and change your ways, then healing can happen.
To those who’s spouse was on the list…
You feel hurt by your spouse. You feel sad over the loss of the marriage and future you hoped for. You feel angry over the lies. These are all justifiable feelings to have at this point. What your heart must decide is the same as your spouse- do you desire to fix this for you? Not for your children. Not for your extended family. Not to save face. Do you want the relationship to be repaired and restored? If you do not desire repair for you, then repair probably will not work. You too have voices in your ear telling you what you must do, though I would tell you all you must do is decide for you.
To the connected concerned…
You are in shock, perhaps angry. Your friend, child, or parishioner may be the one hurt or could be the one accused and being ousted. You must look into your heart as well and own your own feelings. Feel your sadness, anger, and hurt, but do not allow your feelings to sway your support of the person to whom you are connected. Your job is simply to listen to your heart and own it, not to direct someone to what they must do. Do not allow your anger, sadness, hurt, or other feelings push you to “helpful suggestion” of staying together or not, repairing the relationship or not. You must decide what’s at stake in your heart, what your heart feels, and own it without a weighted suggestion hiding your feelings about the matter. Express your feelings from your heart, not your opinion. Be connected and concerned, but not gossiping and side taking. Do not allow your selfish motives about “being a good pastor”, “being the ‘right’ in-law”, or “being a ‘good Christian’”, influence you to being heavy handed. Selfish motives have already had their place here. Be a safe place.
2. Give yourself time.
To those on the list…
You are not going to build integrity and destroy your duplicitous nature in one quick admission of guilt. Own the loss of trust in you by other and yourself. You cannot trust you because you have lied to you all this time. Prepare for a life requiring you to be above reproach, to lead out in providing trust where it was lost, and to lay down the defense. Time will allow you to decide what to do next in whether to pursue restoration or not, but it is the only way to restore yourself and your marriage, if you so desire. You have been looking for a quick fix for things for a long time. There is no quick fix. Affairs did not fix your emptiness swiftly and now, quick admission will do no more. Give yourself time to own things and move forward. Nothing must be fixed today and your shame cannot be quickly hidden.
To those who’s spouse was on the list…
You do not have to decide anything right now. The situation is messy. And there are lots of decisions to make. Lots. Deciding to trust again. Deciding to forgive. Deciding to repair or not. Those are not one-time decisions. These decisions must be made over and over again. Time will help and so will expecting to make almost daily decisions to restore and to trust again, not making a life altering decision in a moment. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the dream- the person, the relationship, and the future you once held in your mind. A good marriage and future is not dead, only the version you may have been dreaming of. There is hope and you can get through this, but allow yourself the time to be sad, angry, and hurt. You do not have to decide anything right now. It is permissible to give yourself time despite what others may have you believe.
To the connected concerned…
Give yourself time before speaking. It is going to take some time to figure out your feelings and what is driving those feelings. It is going to take some time, just like the others involved, for your brain to “catch up” with a new narrative, a new story. The new story of the who the person is that you thought you knew is no longer true, and it takes time for the mind to edit the story, so allow yourself the time. Do not react out of emotionality or stop if you have been up to this point. Allow your affected peer to figure out where they are while you do the same. Again, there is no urgency. Do not confuse your anger or fear about this new reality to come out as pressing for a “decision” about what’s next.
3. Forgive
To those on the list…
Ask for forgiveness. Be specific about the offenses you committed and ask for forgiveness from the offended, if you are truly sorry. Don’t withhold truths or paint a better picture than is reality. As scary as it is to be completely truthful, you are not being benevolent by withholding from the offended. You do not have to give explicit details about encounters, but do be specific about the longevity of the betrayal, about the ways in which you intentionally deceived your spouse, and anything that may compromise your spouse’s health. Ask to be forgiven and allow the healing process to begin. You may not receive it immediately, and that is okay. But forgiveness cannot be granted until it is asked for, so you hold the power to begin the healing process.
To those who’s spouse was on the list…
Grant forgiveness if your spouse asks to be forgiven. Do not grant forgiveness if it is not asked for. Forgive for yourself. Let the hurt out and go. Granting forgiveness does not mean you are ready for restoration, or even committing to it. Forgiveness is simply saying “I’m not holding this against you anymore”. Forgiving is letting go of the dream of a faithful marriage from beginning to end. Your offending spouse cannot make up the loss of that dream. Therefore, to hold in the forgiveness and hurt only harms you. And you will be stuck, holding the phantom pain of the affair. Any attempt to restore will be sabotaged without forgiveness, turning into a sad recounting of facts and demand for justification. Allow the healing balm of forgiveness to work it’s magic. Give yourself the time (see point above) to forgive and breath. Restoration and redemption, if it comes at all, can come later, but continuing and allowing your hurt to turn into deep resentment helps no one.
To the connected concerned…
Forgive. Forgive those who have hurt you in your life. If you have not done so, it’s too easy to allow your resentment about totally unrelated situations influence your ability to be a safe place for your friend today. Encourage your connected friend to either ask for forgiveness or to grant forgiveness in due time, when they are ready. But either way, encourage the process of forgiveness and do not allow your own feelings about other personal situations to become logs on the fire of resentment.
4. Get professional help.
To those on the list…
You have a problem. Your problem is deeper than looking for sex on the internet and having affairs. Those behaviors are symptoms of a bigger problem- intimacy. Your problem is you are afraid to be known. Your spouse only knows a part of you, and someone else that you have no commitment to more than likely knows many things about your heart that your spouse has no idea about. Your issue has little to do with sex and women and a lot to do with being known. Break the duplicity. Get professional help today to help you grow in being comfortable in your own skin and sharing that with someone else, hopefully your spouse.
To those who’s spouse was on the list…
Seems unfair, right? I get it. But you need to see a professional as well. One, if you are planning to engage in marital counseling, it cannot bear the weight of helping you grieve and repair. So, give yourself a personal space (in counseling) to get out your anger and other feelings when needed. Also, your marriage is a two person relationship, and though you are not guilty of the offense, the marriage itself has emotional intimacy problems that must be addressed if there is to be any real chance of making it. Do not trust this to just you. Allow yourself and your marriage, if you desire to keep it, to be helped by professionals and trust the process. It will not always feel good, but it can be tremendously helpful in relieving you from a resentful life.
To the connected concerned….
Encourage counseling when the time is right. Get counseling for yourself if this seems too close to home for you to be a good friend. Remove yourself if it is from being a support. That is my counsel to you. But yes, encourage your friends to seek counseling and to stick with the process, though frustrating. Also, let this be a good point to possible take your marriage in for a checkup. Most of you would not allow your car to begin burning oil before getting an oil change, right? So, don’t wait till the engine starts smoking before changing the oil. You do not have to wait until crisis to get deeper emotional intimacy in your relationship.
If you are affected by this situation and want help, see more about my individual, marital, and family counseling services.